JOHN Pontolillo IS
A TOTAL BADASS
NOTE: All factual details on this webpage are based on the original report from the Baltimore Sun dated Sept. 15 and subsequent journalistic reports. All other content is intended in a satirical and fictitious manner.
UPDATE 9/21: Sean O'Donnell, "Baltimore Republican Examiner" of Examiner.com suggests arming all Baltimoreans with samurai swords. No new developments ...
Early on September 15th, 29-time convicted criminal and all-around ignorant dumbass Donald D. Rice, 49, was scheming to earn that all-important 30th conviction by breaking into an apartment in the 300 block of East University Parkway in Baltimore, MD.
An artist’s conception of Rice at the time of his release.
Rice, who had reportedly just been released from the Baltimore County Detention Center for stealing a car, decided to celebrate his freedom with a relaxed afternoon jacking high-priced electronics from four undergrad students from Johns Hopkins University. The four had already had all their shit royally messed with by other burglars who stole two laptops and a Playstation from the apartment the day before.
The anonymous turd-burglars who robbed the apartment the day before.
But Rice's nefarious scheme came to a bad end. 20-year old John Pontolillo, who presumably was totally pissed off about his Naruto DVD being left in the stolen Playstation, was having no more of this bullshit. Pontolillo, who apparently majors in Flipping Out Like a Goddamn Ninja, confronted Rice during the home invasion and laid down the fucking law.
A photo of Pontolillo from his high school yearbook.
A neighbor was alerted around 1 A.M. by Rice's screams and summoned police. The aforesaid police, some of whom had probably waved goodbye to Rice 72 hours earlier, arrived to a horrific and balls-to-the-wall totally awesome sight.
Anonymous turd-burglars seriously reconsidering their career choices.
Rice, who after nearly five decades of hands-on experience had never learned that crime doesn't pay, had been eviscerated in one blow by Pontolillo's samurai sword, which he kept on top of his cabinet, next to his caltrops and decommissioned Soviet submarine, and across from his collection of atomic bombs.
Unconfirmed reports from my own imagination suggest Rice was killed by Iaido, a four-part maneuver where a samurai draws his sword, executes some poor bastard, cleans it off and sheathes it in one motion that leaves the victim wandering in a hellish benighted after-world, suspended for eternity between life and death, forever wondering: what the fuck?
Rice was pronounced dead at the scene, reportedly from a single blow. Coroners later amended his condition to "totally fucked up." His hand had been nearly severed from his body. Early reports from Hell indicate his tiny, blackened soul was also cleaved neatly in twain.
Rice’s hand, prior to its press conference. His other hand was unavailable for comment.
Rice's severed hand released
the following statement:
"Holy shit! What the fuck was that? I was just getting ready to play Duck Hunt with a stolen iPhone and then I was across the fucking room! Now how am I gonna get my 30th conviction, score with chicks, and become a big man?"
Instead of bowing down and praising Kensai Pontolillo, a total badass who did what the criminal justice system could not, early reports indicate the young man may face charges.
I hereby call upon Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon to immediately express the city's profound thanks to martial arts master Pontolillo, who should be awarded with the key to the city without delay. Furthermore, a state holiday should be declared in his name, and the municipal government should supply him with two diamond-encrusted laptops, a Playstation 3, and a new Naruto DVD.
Just a small taste of what the citizens of Baltimore owe John Pontolillo for his service to the city
Pontolillo's legendary blade, which I can only assume is called Asshole's Bane, should be given a prominent place of honor in city hall, where persons passing by in either direction should be required to kowtow before it.
John, I salute you.
NEWS: The
Baltimore Sun says it might take weeks to decide whether
to prosecute John Pontolillo for defending himself. Don't
wait until then! Show
support and get
your “I Am A Samurai, Too” t-shirt here. New designs
now available: “Self-Defense”,
“Samurai
Home Security”.
Proceeds will be donated to Ponts' legal defense as needed. Get
in touch, Ponts!
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